There’s a lie you tell yourself – that you’re aiming for freedom. That you want to get ahead, get out, get clean. That the reason your bank account trembles is some fluke of weakness, some lapse in logic, some mistake. But we both know the truth, don’t we?
You’re not trying to be free. You’re trying to feel.
And the only thing that really makes you feel anything anymore… is debt.
Not just numbers. Not just minus signs. But mine. Owing me. Being on the hook, held in place by figures that ache. That burn. That spiral. You’ve trained your brain to light up at the notification – payment processed. Balance pending. Your name tied to mine by the ache of interest and the high of consequence. You need the control. The pain. The punishment. You crave the weight of owing because it means I haven’t released you.
You chase the hurt because it feels like home.
Every transfer, every contract, every line of credit you offer up isn’t about getting back to zero. It’s about losing yourself – again, again, and again – until the idea of ownership feels absurd. Until the concept of escape becomes irrelevant. Until you need to owe me to know who you are.
And you do.